I sat there, in the midst of dust boxes – the smell of parafin reeking from the freshly painted walls. I could hear my dad coming down the stairs. If feigned all the concentration I could muster.
My nose was buried deep in the only Sidney Sheldon that I kept picking up – The Naked Face – to this day, I have no idea what that book was about. The truth is it was all an act. An act to hopefully one day hear my dad proudly talk about how his daughter reads.
Maybe that is when it all started. May be that is when my passion for words started. My intense love affair with creating and dreaming up stories. I wrote one novel in Primary school. A child’s take on the world. High school, I wrote another – my friends were writing and I also wanted to be associated with writing. Senior High, I wrote the only book I was intensely proud of – it got lost!
My brain’s capacity to create stories out of thin air still amazes me. My HCI class assures me that this is a common trait with most humans. We like to see things where they are not. We dream of princes and happily ever afters. Of stories greater than our own.
I love words. They speak to me. They are my language. They break me and they build me. I am in love with words.
You know, the truth is there might me no such thing as starting over. In the human mind anyway. My human mind.
I have developed the uncanny ability to grudge up things from my past. Failures especially. I am good at that. I am the queen of that really.
When you read things like God remembers that no more – comprehending that is hard. Knowing it is harder and believing it is next to impossible.
The impossible. It is hard to believe in the impossible but I really wonder why?! Why should it be hard to dream. Because dreams can be broken. Stolen even. Never tell someone you dream. They will steal it. But what am I saying.
In ten days, I get to leave 28 behind. As a memory. A thing I do not remember anymore. I get a system reset and I start a new year. Technically, that should be when we dish out the happy new year cards…
I wore this Tee shirt today. I got it at some conference – about a company of people who want to make a difference in the lives of people who struggle with depression, self-harm and addiction. It has a quote from the founder about being the other person – one day being the ONE person who will make a difference for someone else.
Maybe it is selfish to wish that someone else would be your ONE person. No, not in a Disney romantic way – in a this life is hard kinda way. More than be your ONE, remain your one. Because we all know life moves on.
Anyway, I am wearing the shirt, I support the cause. I never did. I never understood. I would not associate myself with them. What do I know about pain enough to make you desperate enough to end your life. No. I do not know much about that pain.
Maybe that is why I am still here. In this place. Stuck.
10 days. We shall tell of a different story.
This is what I have just realized about life.
I will keep failing. That is my destiny. I will never get it 100% right.
The more I keep trying the more frustrated I get.
To be good and to abide by the set of rules placed by society – better yet the one that looms on the pedestal that I have created for myself – Yes, indeed. Failure is where I am headed. and I seem to be headed there fast – like the Number 3 express to Harlem on a cold winter’s night.
Gosh, but why do I keep trying though? This forever still bugs me immensely.
Suddenly, the Bible writings begin to look like they make sense, don’t they?
The rising sense of inadequacy seems to over take me. It slowly rises to the surface as I sit and listen to the silence that has suddenly engulfed Harlem.
There isn’t a siren sound nor that of a cat howling or a car honking. Rather just plain silence. Even the rhythmic patter of rain I’d rather hear than this silence.
The kind that makes you go deep into yourself. The kind that drops anchor into the bottomless abyss that is your rising faults.
Sure. There is nothing like the sense of I wish I was better. I should be better.
This is just one of those overwhelming moments. Everyone has them at some point in their lives.