I’m clutching my chest again, the pain is back. I double over, but the thud is muted by the woolen carpet in my room.
It stays longer this time. short breaths, I remind myself.
The tears that were already welling up in my eyes, begin their journey to my chin. I grab the large pillow and bury my contorted face into it. With a loud gasp, my wretchedness begins all over again. The pain is still there, but my sorrow overwhelms anything physical or else.
Now, I can feel the dull ache begin it’s throbbing – my God, what did I ever do? Will I never catch a break?
I let the helplessness consume me, with groans of agony in between sobs, I bury the numbness into the whiteness of my pillow.
It wasn’t fine, nor was I myself for a very long time. I spent many nights like that, it wasn’t my choosing – it never is our choosing. I retreated into the darkness of my own shadow, preferring it’s comfort to the the glaring hopes and will-be fines that kept attacking me.
It was like that for a long time, somedays, it still is like that. But you know eventually, the midday sun shows up – then we have choice: to remain frozen in time, staring into the void of all that could have been surrounded by the ghosts that keep us company; or we can try to wake up every day, and take one more step.
One more step further than where we were the day before. One more step in whatever it is that we do with our lives. Teach one more student; take on one more company; solve one more problem; listen to one more story; hope for one dream.
One more dream that will see us lifted out of this bleak existence; one more dream that will return the smile in our voice; one more dream that we know will restore the pride in our children’s eyes.
Soon the ‘one more‘ becomes like the hopes and the will-be fines; all we want, is to be done with the process – ye, who signed us up anyway?
This time, I signed myself. I walked into it with full knowledge of what I was doing.
As the eleven o’clock sun breathed fiercely upon me, the pain returned. An overwhelming helplessness crept up my spine – as sudden realisation of what was actually happening dawned me.
This time would be no different from before – Oh rather, this time would be worse, for before my very eyes – my ignorance was robbed of me.
I’ve we’ve been here before, our one more dream will come again.