[#UGblogWeek – Day 7] suubi…

I’m clutching my chest again, the pain is back. I double over, but the thud is muted by the woolen carpet in my room.

It stays longer this time. short breaths, I remind myself.

The tears that were already welling up in my eyes, begin their journey to my chin. I grab the large pillow and bury my contorted face into it. With a loud gasp, my wretchedness begins all over again. The pain is still there, but my sorrow overwhelms anything physical or else.

Now, I can feel the dull ache begin it’s throbbing – my God, what did I ever do? Will I never catch a break?

I let the helplessness consume me, with groans of agony in between sobs, I bury the numbness into the whiteness of my pillow.

It wasn’t fine, nor was I myself for a very long time. I spent many nights like that, it wasn’t my choosing – it never is our choosing. I retreated into the darkness of my own shadow, preferring it’s comfort to the the glaring hopes and will-be fines that kept attacking me.

It was like that for a long time, somedays, it still is like that. But you know eventually, the midday sun shows up – then we have choice: to remain frozen in time, staring into the void of all that could have been surrounded by the ghosts that keep us company; or we can try to wake up every day, and take one more step.

One more step further than where we were the day before. One more step in whatever it is that we do with our lives. Teach one more student; take on one more company; solve one more problem; listen to one more story; hope for one dream.

One more dream that will see us lifted out of this bleak existence; one more dream that will return the smile in our voice; one more dream that we know will restore the pride in our children’s eyes.

Soon the ‘one more‘ becomes like the hopes and the will-be fines; all we want, is to be done with the process – ye, who signed us up anyway?

This time, I signed myself. I walked into it with full knowledge of what I was doing.

As the eleven o’clock sun breathed fiercely upon me, the pain returned. An overwhelming helplessness crept up my spine – as sudden realisation of what was actually happening dawned me.

This time would be no different from before – Oh rather, this time would be worse,  for before my very eyes – my ignorance was robbed of me.

But I’ve we’ve been here before, our one more dream will come again.

togwamu suubi.

phoenix_rising_1

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Prayer changes the mundane…

Yes… I pray. Oh Jesus. I pray. Tehehe, and this is an example of when I prayed and I did not get my answer exactly they way I demanded of God.

If you are in Kampala, you know of the rains that darken the skies whenever they please. I remember getting off my desk at 3pm and seeing the skyline – noticing the dark tell-tale signs of the impending downpour.

Refusing to be deterred, I resolved to leave at 5pm, rain or not. It started at 4pm. You know that teasing rain, where you get to the door because you think it has stopped only for it to increase it’s intensity as soon as your foot hits the gravel. Opening my umbrella, I started praying – they say we have dominion – so I should be able to shut these cloud up, right? Meh! It felt like someone was playing with the rain switch. I finally manage to cross the area notorious for flooding without too much incidence. Soon as I hopped into the taxi – Boom! With such a fury, the drops pelleted at the taxi roof.

I started praying again. I just needed to get to town before 6, it was 5.15. The shop closed at 6. There is no other shop in Kampala with the same quality thread (wuzi). **Back track** crocheting is a hobby of mine and a friend needed a beret for herself and for her son. I had made up my mind that if I do not get the thread, I would not have another opportunity to.

**Back to the journey** We are now at former Steers and there is just no where to go. We sat for a good twenty minutes. The rain was still falling with fierce rhythm. ‘Prayer is not helping,’ I started thinking to myself. So I began to make peace with the fact that the evening was not going to turn out exactly as I had hoped. Nevertheless, I continued to pray. 5.40. We start to move. The taxi got to Watoto Church at 5.50, I jumped out (literally) and started the leaping-hopping-running to the shop. It is on Sure House.

“Sorry, we are closed”

I was like No. No. No.

I knocked, lol! The place looked empty but the light was still on. I saw I head bob up and motion me to the sign. I was like. Wah! I prayed. I ran. Kirabo, don’t run. I made a pleading sign and refused to budge. She kept motioning me away, till I guess she figured, easier to just open the door. Tehehe, I was smiling and thanking her profusely. Apologising and talking a mile a minute, while my hands were shaking from all the adrenaline.

It was 5.55.

Sadly, more often than not, our prayers seem to hit a brick wall and bounce back at us. Unless you are hardcore mature supernatural, the process often leaves you broken, drained and discouraged about trying again. But then… the sun still rises the next day, your lungs still take breathe and your eyes still open – despite your heavy heart. Remember to take heart as you see that sun, as you draw breath – Remember, your prayers never fall on deaf ears. For if our spiritual eyes were opened, we would see what was truly going on.

He listens. He answers.

Change your focus.

PS: Images Source – Google

#UgBlogWeek (Day 5): _______________________

Some days I think that God deserves a round of applause. Lol. Yes. I am a bit loco like that. Everything that he does or ‘allows to happen‘ (<– I have just learned that ka one) is intricately planned.

God

Around midway last month, I got the strangest urge about the month of October. *hides face* I get those a lot. Strange urges. I once described them as spooky to a friend – she didn’t like it much. Never mentioned it again. About this urge – that used to be called spooky, it was a feeling that never left. Kept coming back. A feeling. Oba a knowing and what was it?

October is going to be hard-ish

So what did I do with this information? I went on a 7-day fast for the month of October. Prayed and believed and bound whatever would be tiring me. This is what I have picked up along my journey. This is the ‘normal’ reaction.

It’s 22nd October and I gotta say, the last 8 days have been hard and I mean hard. Just Wednesday’s post alone, left me both physically and emotionally drained at 11am – Iwe mwa, ya donno!

This led me to the question, was my reaction wrong? Like what was supposed to be my reaction? Is one reaction supposed to work in all situations? That is the question isn’t. Because if my reaction was the right one, that would mean that my Abba did not answer my prayer. Oba his answer was no. Ohh.. I don’t like the thought of that last one – God saying no. Eish!

Hmm… What if in addition to the prayer (because prayer is really important), I had rearranged my days? What if I had not over committed? What if I had chosen to sleep early, instead of trolling #UgBlogWeek for socks all night (Guilty, as heck on this one)?

I guess what I am ineloquently trying to say is most times one shoe doesn’t fit all. We serve an amazingly creative God but my mind boogles at how we are so quick to forget that little fact. Tehehe, the Bible itself describes the ‘creatures’ in heaven and you are like:

Ekiki?? What do you mean eyes all over the wings.

(Revelation 4:8 and also Ezekiel 10:12)

Even this one is in the Bible...
Even this one is in the Bible: A Leviathan.

May we live life in abundant expectation of the unexplainable, but also have the innate wisdom to apply it correctly, especially in our ordinary days.

What I Meant To Say

Yesterday, I went off on some what if a tangent… Lol! But I find that these things almost always happen when I write – I start out meaning to say one thing but end up pouring out myself on something completely different! Almost as if, my brain sends out a signal saying, “Just get her to the compose page, we’ll do the rest!”

I am still in the Psalms, but what I meant to say was that I marvel at David’s vivid imagination. Today, I think that because of all the sci-fi, I have watched – some things I read and I can totally see… But what cinematic background did David have? Teheheh.

“Then the earth quaked and trembled. The foundations of the mountains shook; they quaked because of his anger. Smoke poured from his nostrils; fierce flames leaped from his mouth. Glowing coals blazed forth from him. He opened the heavens and came down; dark storm clouds were beneath his feet. Mounted on a mighty angelic being, he flew, soaring on the wings of the wind. He shrouded himself in darkness, veiling his approach with dark rain clouds. Thick clouds shielded the brightness around him and rained down hail and burning coals. The LORD thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded amid the hail and burning coals.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭18:7-13‬ ‭NLT‬‬

http://bible.com/116/psa.18.7-13.nlt

Context: God is leaving heaven to rescue him…

*Wait* What?

God, this Old Testament God, the one people say is famous for annihilation – and now he is on his way to help David. With smoke pouring out of his nose, and fierce flames from his mouth!

*rewinding halting tape sound*

When God was editing the Bible how did all this pass him by? I mean, does he like this description? Is this an accurate description of who he is? Or maybe this is just David’s interpretation of what this God, whom he believed loved him so much, that he would leave his throne – in heaven – like those ends, past the milky way – beyond the galaxies that are light years away, and show up just to save him. And like who is he? In later chapters, David calls himself a worm – not a man.

So have you pictured it? God is on his way to save the worm. Oh man! This is amazing stuff!!

Meanwhile, “He shrouds himself in darkness to veil his approach…” *insert wide-eyed, shocked emoticon here*. My highly religious self would go – “What, God no come in darkness, what is wrong wid dis writer?”

But I see his point, as clear as I do daylight, it would be of tactical advantage to hide his approach to surprise his enemy! Right? That is what I would do. That is what David would have done.

*smiles* Get it?

But he doesn’t need to do what we would have done… Tehehe, He is God. Like G.O.D.

“He can burst forth, descending with sun under his feet and the moon in his right hand. Surrounded by billowing clouds that are magnifying the brightness that surrounds him!”

OR

“He can skate in on a rainbow doing an amazing flip just as he comes to a halt in front of my enemy. Lightening bolts in his left hand and roars of thunder coming forth from his mouth”

OR

“He can from the heavenly war room, pull up the interface, connecting to the database, with a list of all earthly beings, right click on the table labeled, ‘her_enemies’ – and type: DROP TABLE her_enemies;”

OR

“He can gently nudge, every day – whispering ever so slightly – that only those who are looking and listening can hear.”

Hahaha! I am so off the tangent, but who cares – we all know, that the last one is more likely to happen. But He is GOD – anything is possible.

Never forget that…

The Psalms! What a mystery…

Currently in GodIs, I am in the Book of Psalms. 

Quick Recap: ‘GodIs’ is a Bible dissection that a group of friends and I are doing. We basically read two chapters a day and discover who God is according to scripture. Some times we get it, other times we are left thinking, “huh?”

So, like I was saying – I am in Psalms, this is one of the books that I am beginning to realize I am epically guilty of misquoting! It never really sank in unto now that ‘most’ of the Psalms are David’s personal journal. They are his point of view on who God is. 

This guy, David was devoted to God. Like what! You know how close you are to your skin, this is what kind of relationship they had. David deserves his own post… 

Today it hit me as I read Psalms 18 – we have the privilege of reading the psalms before the Bathsheba plot and after. Did he change? Like we might have ventured to call him a hypocrite had he lived in our today. Lol! I mean, the way he goes on and on about God and then turns around and starts singing, “hey, sexy lady – I like the way you bathe…”

Actually, if he was in the Church today, he would have been “punished”. Alter confessions, should he have chosen to submit. Pointy fingers. Congregations separate as half go on his side and the other half give him the side eye. 

The truth is God never let him get away with it – don’t be fooled, God is not blind. He called David out, kabisa! Complete with consequences that resulted. 

But David’s response is recorded in the Bible. The Psalm that he wrote in response to that and those that resulted after that, psalms we so often quote out of context. 

Today, we would begin to try and ponder this, but my mind would quickly brush it off as “ah, grace. That is God’s grace.”

But what is this Grace thing? Urgh!! Why do I wrestle with its misuse. Like can you understand the gravity of this thing? 

An adulterer, helped write those morning devotions that you pop in with God, once a while. But he repented you say, he asked for forgiveness – To which I respond, the brother’s work is in the Bible! The Holy Book. The God Love Letter. 

Do you see the magnitude now? 

Yet, if he were here today…. There is no place in a lot of Churches for his kind. Heck, we have certain pre-requisites for being being a Christian let alone a person who works in the Church. 

Folly! It is all Folly. We are all guilty. We have all missed the mark. Yet we still breathe and make the same mistakes over and over again! Now tell me about grace. 

God allowed the preadulterer, adulterer and post adulterer to be included in the Holy Scriptures. 

Our rules are pathetic and that is just putting it mildly! 

Mind-boggled: Science…

I have wondered about the place of Science in the grand scheme of life. I recently listened to a podcast from someone I greatly admire… **insert: swoon here** and they were talking about the importance of medicine and other sciences things. And in a way turning down the light on Prayer. 

Dang, I feel this post changing directions already.

it’s just that as I write this, I realize that maybe he is right. Maybe we have thrown around this prayer word so much and not truly actually walked away and prayer or sat down with the person to pray. 

In the Bible, there is evidence of the power of Prayer but… **frustrated sigh**… Why should now be different. Why can’t we pray away certain things?

I am saddened when I hear these comments like: “if you want to pray, pray”. Or is it about using discernment in different situations. Knowing when you are called to prayer And when you are called to open the medicine cabinet in faith. 

But then again, maybe this in itself is a lie that I have believed. That somehow, science is out of God’s jurisdiction. When we talk about science, we are somehow not including God in the equation.

Maybe neither of us know how it is working behind the scene… My person I admire and I… May be this science vs prayer thing has more that meets the eye than we can see.