I looked forward to seeing you today.
I wore my nice shoes. I don’t wear them often because they are too high and I have a reputation to maintain. I picked out my clothes carefully, you know. Even though these jeans are made in China, they have the superb effect of tucking it all in. As I tidied my hair, I thought about what scent I should wear. A cocktail of Cucumber, Cocoa Butter and an Elizabeth Arden, were what I chose to settle with.
When I walked, I noticed my gait and posture in my constant companion, causing me to immediately straighten up. Even the cab guy was on time… Never happens. He always says he is at the stage but it’s never the same stage in both your minds. He knows he is knowingly misleading you, but won’t make an effort to correct your assumption.
My head was held high as I walked to our spot and waited to see you. I am always early, that has alway been my problem. Not that I mind, though. Not today. Today, everything was going so well… Today, was the day.
I found our spot, mine not to far from where it falls and yours a little off to my right. We should pick another spot… Maybe one a little more private.
I sat waiting. I don’t mind waiting. Waiting is the price you pay for being early. I am always early, so that means I am always waiting.
You didn’t show. You never came. You sent a friend. You couldn’t come. I stare at my shoes and steady my breath. The shadow imprint of my toes and that of the shoe’s previous owners, suddenly became an interesting study.
What wasted time. What wasted effort. What wasted …
I look at my phone, willing myself not to search for your contact in my green app. Yes, I am one of those girls. Stand me up and I will text you with a plausible excuse you could have.
I push you to the back of my mind and I walk home. The cab guy didn’t pick and others were charging exorbitant fares. So walking was my portion, in these shoes that I chose to impress you with. I will myself to think about not falling because the road was not built with my shoes in mind. Who can blame the road workers? They didn’t know that little old me would be walking home stood up.
I finally get home. Slightly stressed, low on sugar and hope.
Then I see her. She looks different. When did she change so much? She looks strained. She looks older. She looks tired. Where have I been looking all this time? When did she become like this? Where have I been looking?
All this time I have catered to this hope, walking while wrapped in an aura of possibility. Dreaming dreams of one-day-soon, while my own flesh and blood was slowly wasting away!
My gaze is turned back where it should be. My dear friend, you were an amazing wisp that appeared in hurricane season – not only did we never stand a chance, we never will.
We never will because this isn’t the time. The time seems to have been long past and all I am doing is wallowing in the aftermath of a forgotten season.
The pain is back, the one in my chest. It’s more of an ache really. An old fear back to haunt me…. Only this time, this time fight is not necessary for I fully acknowledge — this is my new beginning.